R.I.P

Robin Williams - I feel for you, always have. I've felt your humor and joy, I've felt your pain and I understand that the pain it took to hold on was by far outweighed by the pain of letting go. You'll always be "dad"

Monkey - I miss you dearly. My heart is constantly broken and bleeding tears. You are always in my heart. 

Officer Woody - You did the best you ever could have possibly done. Lt Mack will get her Karma. (I'm still working on letting that go. )

Music - I wish to god I could still perform. When I was good, it was great! I'll always remember, yet again, my heart bleeds. 

One Mountain At A Time

Been a while since I've written. Things are defiantly progressing. We've been here about 3 weeks and I'm still working on the mounds of laundry and we're most certainly crowded. Still need to clean out the other bedroom so we'll have more space for our stuff. 

The one thing I've missed these few weeks is playing music with the Mrs. We have her piano but it's currently unplugged in the living room because we've run out of space. I plan on rearranging the room this weekend.

Jenn's birthday is Friday am excited about it. My parents are gonna take the 2 of us and Jenn's kid to our FAVORITE Mexican joint. AND they have the best fried ice cream!!!

So here's looking forward to a great weekend!!!

Oh yea! I'm back to vaping. Let's just say I don't have anymore smokes, only my vape, and I'm ok with it. Not freaking out like normal :)

Life is good. Share the wealth!

Keep looking up....cause that's where it all is!

Stressing but all is well over all

So Jen and I have moved int with my parents. This is a great thing. More time with mama and dad has a little more free time. Problem is dads still treating me like I'm 14 and we don't communicate that well. He's "gruffy". We don't get along sometimes. We'll last night mom said something getting onto him and mom said something to the effect of "what if I were a cow" dad retorted "I'd sell you!"

That pissed me the hell off. I just got up and left. Couldn't take it. Didn't even eat desert. Brought it home and dad has undoubtedly eaten it by now. 

On another note, the animals all survived the move except for the devils spawn. See, we took the cat over a few days before we moved in. She wouldn't eat or drink for a couple days and the other cats, even my precious Monkey, didn't accept her into their home. Things calmed down and soon it was moving day. My dad came and hauled all of our important stuff to their house. We'll one guy helping my dad move ended up stealing over $1,000 worth of instruments, electronics, and just crap to try sell. Here's the kicker. He stole my gun. Felt like he took the last part of "Officer Woody", that cop part of me. I'm dealing but it's breaking my heart. 

So we move the dogs over who escape their first pin. My dad and I spent an afternoon building a dog run out of cow panels (36 ft x 4 ft x 4ft). We'll dumbass dug outta there. So we reinforced it with pipe. 

So we finally brought the gerbal home and within 12 hours the "good" dog had climbed the closet and pulled the cage down and it was a massacre. So no more small animals. But anyway....

Back on meds regularly so my mood has stableized and I'm just exhausted from the moving. 

That's all I got, how'd you like that?

I'm great...except when I'm not

Welcome back! 

It's been a long, long time....almost six months. I've been great.....except when I wasn't. Christmas was hard mentally and physically. No more family traditions due to various health problems and my sisters refusal to leave the house. And I pulled a muscle in my back twice in the same place. Here it is mid-march and I'm STILL sore. Damn coughs.....damn carenow. Damn shots. 

Ok so let me catch you up. Jen and I have been together since September 30th and I've never looked back. 

My ex dumping me was that final life lesson to learn, and it brought me full circle. It wasn't me that had a problem, it was her. The day after she broke up with me I was completely ok because it wasn't me, it was her. And you know what? It was serendipitous to have that Oprah-Ah-Ha moment. That's why I'm writing this entry. I'd given up on trying to help others with bipolar with this blog. It was selfish therapy when I started. But I got to see a glimpse into one of my BEST friend's life through her new blog and, as usual, she inspired me to keep writing. Hope I hear from her soon....still waiting......checking phone.....well......she must be sleeping...

Anyway....

I met Jen 10 days later and we're inseparable. It aches when she isn't beside me. She compliments me in every way. She is BEAUTIFUL. Her heart is as big as mine. She teaches me something everyday, even if it's just to feel what I feel. That is a quality that has been GREATLY lacking in the past. She completely keeps me in check with my mental health. 

Staying with her has changed me (I won't say living because my bills and guitar have been at mom and dads). I've learned that: living off the dollar menu is not that bad, the neighbors down the street rakes leaves to earn money for diapers; When your dog is suffering, it's as bad as your own child; also learned that there really are people that truly care about others; I've learned that age is only a number, today I feel old!!!!; Bengay is my friend; patience from a willful dog is much easer to deal with, and less painful, than a chicken; and I'll close this list with this: if you look hard enough, do your on work on yourself, and pray....a LOT, finding your soulmate isn't that difficult. 

Jen and I decided to move in with my folks and look after mom and all 7 dogs, 3 cats, a rooster (dad killed the chicken), and the devils spawn aka the gerbil. Life turned us in this direction and I think it's best. 

Less than a week after we decided to move in my sister dropped the bomb that they are moving back to Austin with Turtle and Colton (born the day before my birthday!). This is very difficult to deal with for my mom. She has a hard time traveling...we all do. 

So that's life people. Back to priming and painting so we can start moving stuff on Sunday. Gonna be a LONG weekend. Know what? Wouldn't trade it for anything!

Keep lookin up, cause that's where it all is!!

I Got This

Things are still going great. Been a bit stir crazy though. But I’m going to a dear friend’s birthday party tomorrow. REALLY looking forward to it. And the big deal is that I get to start my job on Sunday AND I get to work 50 hours! That’s overtime. Awesome!

And on one of my days off I’m going to meet an old friend for drinks. She’ll be shocked at how much weight I’ve gained but it’ll be ok. I’m just fluffy.

Still dealing well with the breakup. Unexpectedly well. I miss those kids like crazy and I’ve even dreamed about the dog. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve still gotta stop by there to get the last of my stuff but it’s gotta be on one of my days off or after I get off a shift around 10. Hopefully I can manage that this week if she’ll work with me. I’m waiting on my new DL to arrive in the mail. My new checks should be in this week too.

I’m still Vapin and not letting shit get to me. I’m happy being with my parents. Dad has more freedom to deal with his cows and I’ve been taking care of my mom. I really think they’re glad I’m here. I’m glad to be here. And when that day comes, they’ll leave me the house. This house. This is home. Almost 33 years ago they adopted me and brought me home to this very room and in the very same place I’m sitting now. This is my sanctuary, my bubble, my zen/happy place. I have a smaller bed this time but it’s SO firm. My back pain is all but gone. Dad wants me to patch and paint the walls but I get to pick the color. I’m even going to get all this popcorn off the ceiling and add some crown molding. Once the house is mine this will be my art/music room so I’ll set it up that way for the future.

Since I moved out the last time our little farm has a new friend, or a couple. We have a Rooster that hasn’t been taught to only crow at sunrise. Boy, he’s got a set of lungs on him. And we have a Hen that lays beautiful large brown eggs. There were more than one but dad says the coyotes got them. I’m trying to talk him into getting a few more chickens. Then I can cook with farm fresh eggs. Speaking of which, I have a new recipe I’m going to make this week. It’s a chocolate cake from scratch. I’m excited. I’d like to perfect it and try to change it to peanut butter so mom can have some.

Anyway, thanks for reading/caring. And know that I’m alright. I got this. God will get me through anything. He has a purpose for everything. He’s still teaching me every day. I just keep my eyes open and wait to learn.


Keep looking up, Cause that’s where it all is.

 

Rising throught the ashes

I've had a BUSY day. couldn't sleep last night cause I can't take my sleep meds. I have a piss test Monday for my new job. I slept about 4 hours, then up for 2 cause the girl child was up then I passed out till 12:30. I packed up everything except 6 things into bags and piled them in the living room. this took a little over an hour. then I got dressed and moved the entire pile from one room to another until we eventually made it to the garage. I loaded everything that would fit into my car. was a lot faster than I thought. couldn't see out my back window. I made it back home and cleaned out my room. mom's been using it for garage sale stuff. dad helped me move a POS tv in here and I got it hooked up to the dish. then dad and I got a mattress set, went to target, went to walmart (which I boycott but it was his money), went to walgreens, dad got us dinner and we came home and ate. then I unloaded my car. dad and I got the mattress' in, I put the sheets on, got cleaned up and at around 10:00 I finally sat down. well, laid down is more like it. my mattress is as firm as they come and my back is SO sore and my knee and heel are aching.
all in all, I have a tiny tv, a small bed (bigger than that couch) and best of all, a 12 Pack of Dr Pepper just for me! tomorrow will be full of organizing, folding, and arranging clothes on my shelves. a lot easier than today. I broke down and smoked about 4 packs of smokes since she split with me, got one pack left but I'm enjoying my Vape again. Out with the negative, In with the positive. Out with the old, In with the new. Out of that shell I was shedding, into the new body awaiting. looking back, I wouldn't have done anything different. I put out there who I was. she wasn't a strong enough woman for me. I've forgiven her. I've let go and let God.
Don't worry folks, I'm doing great! I held my tears back all day until I hugged the boy. I quickly recovered so he wouldn't see it. but after I laid out a t shirt i'd been wearing for 2 days in the dog bed and I was ready to go, I knelt down to Bellabear, held her head in my hands, looked her in the eyes and told her that I loved her, that I'd see her in heaven, and to take care of the kids. I about broke down there. But I made it. Time for a change. Change is good.
Keep Looking Up, Cause That's Where It All Is!

Blindsided by the best. I'm single but as of this moment, i got this

so I couldn't sleep last night. I had something gnawing at me. so when the Ex came in and kissed me goodnight I could feel a difference. I had signs leading up to today for weeks now but I guess I was just trying so hard to come out of the depression that I didn't wanna see.
I got a badass job that makes decent money. I just filled out the paperwork yesterday and met with the boss and my trainer. had a good time. filled out hundreds of pages where-in I wrote my address at least a dozen times. I came home and I was stoked! I had a huge headache when I got home and she wouldn't let me lay on her. I tried to hold her hand and after 30 seconds she "adjusted" so I couldn't hold her hand. I leaned over to kiss her and something felt different. I told her I loved her and adored her and that I missed her. see? this was the second time i'd said I missed her and BAM! no response. so I wrote her this long ass love note saying that I finally feel like myself and I can't wait to continue down this path of life with her and "our" kids. I got the boy up for school, made their breakfast, and waited till they got off to school. I left the love note on the donut box where she could see it. when she got back I told her about it. she asked if she could read it outside. I waited for her to come back in. she didn't. I went out there and that's when it happed. it was all so fast. she talked to my "mamma" cause I thought that might help. it did. it helped her decide. I asked her if she wanted to break up with me.
She said Yes.



so here's where I gasp for breath and keep my feet under me. called pops and he's getting me a bed and a tv. told mom and she's ready and waiting. called back "mamma" myself and let her know where my head's at. so i'm currently ok. as of 11:19 AM I am ok. I've slept 3 hours in the past 48 hours. I've taken my 'calm down meds'. I think i'm gonna be ok. oh, and i'm wearing my Kidd Kraddick shirt that the ex shrunk in the dryer.

life as I know it is about to change again. sit down. shut up. hold on. this is gonna be one hell of a ride.