==WARNING: this is like a shrink session. I have to give you all of the background before we meet in the middle and find the present. this blog will work like my shrink. BE WARNED: I jump from thought to though like frog legs in a hot skillet. This is how the mind of Bipolar works.==
so we know life's a gamble. it's a game of farkle. you are handed a load of dice and it's up to you to throw and stay or keep throwing and go all in. in the past 6 months I've been going all in.
I met the love of my life, Jeni. she's what my soul has been yearning for my 32 years of existence. WE have 2 wonderful kids, a girl and a boy. so now I finally have that American dream.
let me let you know more about the past.....take a moment to go to the restroom or get some coffee or pop some popcorn cause this is gonna be a long story here.
---taking meds---
ok so I was adopted at birth. my birth mother was a 17(?) year old kid that knew she and my birth dad didn't need another kid. so enters my mother and my father. now my mother fought to get me. there was another couple that wanted me but didn't want to start out their family with an older girl, they wanted a boy, so my mom and dad pretty much sat with me at the hospital for 3 days after I was born cause I was in an incubator.....well a 'microwave' as I like to call it. I was 3lbs 6oz and they put me back in to cook a little while longer. after 3 days the little timer went 'DING!' and i was ready to go home.
so mom did what any mother would do.....she found one of my dad's size 11 shoe boxes and wrapped it up in xmas wrapping paper. (I was a late November baby and xmas was so close so that was the most logical thing to do.) so basically I was brought home in a shoe box.
well remember that other family that kinda wanted to adopt me? turns out the boy they chose ended up being in drum-line with me in high school. it's taken me almost 33 years to figure out that it really is a small world. had I been adopted by that family I would have had everything I ever wanted, monetarily. but the poor girl they adopted about 3 years later ended up being a lesbian too and she had a horrific time coming out due to their religious upbringings. I really got the better end of the deal.
my mom and dad were and are the best. all they want in life is for me to be happy. honestly. they want me to be genuinely happy. I couldn't ask for more.
now we come to my adolescents. my first shrink session was when I was around 10ish. I don't remember much of it. just that I got to take my dog, jake, with me. see? the deal was that I had abandonment issues but I didn't know it. it affected me with all kinds of relationships. i'll get into that later.
I wanna now touch on my mom. that woman is the first most important person in my life. I don't know what i'd do without her. her health is declining like it should be. she's following the patterns of my grandma, her mother, but my mother is actually seeking help so she's much better off. you see, my life has been a trinity. to quote an Indigo Girls lyric:
"ooh how I wish I was a trinity so that if I lost a part of me, i'd still have two of the same to live"
[you will notice that I quote a LOT of lyrics. *especially the Indigo Girls****they are sacred to me]
I started out life care free! mom (and when I refer to mom it usually means mom and daddy unless otherwise stated) allowed me to be me. she always has. daddy built me tree houses and forts. mom let my little sister (three years my jr) use flour and water to make our own cooking show like Julia Child. She's let us play school and house and even skating rink in the kitchen using our own skates on the linoleum floor, scuff marks and all. We were good kids. I really mean it. sure we gave them a run for their money but we were good kids.
now i'd like to discuss my sister. also adopted from a different family, we were each other's best friends. I never really had an invisible friend. i had her. we used to make forts out of the couch cushions and cover them with blankets. we watched a LOT of tv. I mean a LOT. but it was usually family oriented or educational. I knew who bob ross was. I was painting happy little trees with my water colors. I was there every Thursday night for the cosby show. if I was good on Saturday my parents would let me stay up long enough to watch the golden girls line up. (and anyone who REALLY knows me knows that I KNOW every single episode of golden girls. honestly. I can tell you in less that 30 seconds what will happen in that episode. kinda one of my OCD tendencies)
so my sister and I grew up in that early 80s generation. we rode our bikes outside near the barn playing the tv show "CHiPs" and "Hunter". we played outside without our shirts on till I was around 8. mom would let us pull out all the pots and pans and "play the drums".
--side note: I am now starting to realize what my sister and I put my mom and dad through as children due to the fact that I now am the PROUD mother to our children, 7 and 10. I'm sorry mom!--
so my sister and I would put records on the record player and we'd perform for mom. we'd dress up and everything. we'd take turns being sonny and cher. I have a bad ass cher impersonation. she was my best friend in every way. we used to have a tradition that on Christmas Eve, she would come spend the night in my room (partly cause I had to protect the Santa factor from her) but we started a tradition of watching Wayne's World every year. I would also put on the Saturday Night Live classic Christmas Special. then the movie Speed came out. from 1994 till 1997 or 98 we kept that tradition going. now we all meet up and watch dad watch national lampoons Christmas vacation. he gets so choked up from laughing at the cay frying in the Christmas tree!!!!
But underlying things have been happening for years. moms health has been deteriorating over the years. her balance is off. in the past 2 1/2 years I was living at my parents house tending to mom's needs. I was checking her sugar, trying desperately to keep her diabetes under control to no avail. it started when she broke her hip and it was coincidently the time for her to retire. so she did so when soon after she tripped on a curb and broke her right arm. she couldn't work so she retired. well, whenever she has ANY type of 'accident' the meds they give make her sugar level get completely out of whack. there were weeks when I didn't leave the house. I didn't go anywhere cause I was constantly checking on her and her sugar level every 1 to 2 hours. even during the night. I knew that I wasn't living for me. I was living for her. this was not ok. after all, all they wanted for me was to be happy. I prayed hard about it. I knew that I felt the need to give back to my mom and dad for all they have done for me but at the same time I was only going out to a karaoke bar once or twice a week and I was drinking, well, too much. much more than I should. but that's what you do at karaoke. so I started looking for a job. I got hired at a local sheriff's office as a detention officer working deep nights. I loved it. I was good at it. but then I had a problem. my right foot/heel was hurting. one night I had to go out and do the perimeter check where I walk along the outside of the entire jail. it was uneven ground and by the time I got back (30 mins later) I was seriously limping. I had to sit in the control room the rest of the shift. I was still new to the position so insurance hadn't kicked in yet. well, it became a permanent limp. each night it would get worse cause you're constantly on your feet during your shift. dad has had NUMEROUS back surgeries and deals with massive pain on a daily and hourly basis. so he taught me to 'walk it off', to 'work through the pain'. so that's what I did. then about 2 weeks before my insurance kicked in I couldn't take it any more so I went to my foot dr. (best foot dr in the U.S.) he gave me orthotics and vitamins and told me to come back in 2 weeks. about a week after that I was checking my many online dating websites and one caught my eye. it was this beautiful woman with hypnotizing eyes. and I read her profile so I got a sense of her personality. she caught me off guard. I spent a whole day checking out her profile, debating whether to pay the 45 bucks so I could message her. coincidently she was doing the same thing. we started talking, then texting and on day 3 we were talking on the phone. LONG talks. REAL conversations. we got to know each other pretty well. we'd take turns asking random questions. our talks would last for anywhere between 2 to 6 hours. i'd come home from work and instead of sleeping (mind you I was working deep nights so I had to be asleep by noon to get enough sleep to go back to work) I would call her when I got into my car and listen to her get the kids up and off to school. then when Id get home we'd talk more and I wouldn't go to sleep till 4 and then work on 4 hours of sleep. but I was on that 'high' from her that it didn't matter. needless to say, on that first day we talked on the phone, I knew.....I KNEW in my heart she was the ONE. apparently she knew it too cause here we are. our first date was after work for me and we met up at IHOP for breakfast/dinner. I got out of my car, walked up to her and hugged her. I knew in that moment that god put her on this earth for me. we fit together perfectly. I went ahead and got that first kiss out of the way. and that was it! I fell. I fell HARD. but I wasn't scared. I just knew! I stayed the night with her one night when the kids were away and it felt like home. I was home with her. then I had to go back to the foot dr. she came to the appointment with me and he said I needed surgery and I would have to be in a boot. I couldn't work. I wouldn't be able to go back to work for about 7 weeks until the tendon under my heal that was tearing was healed. I was devastated. I started to freak out on the inside. I was in a boot and on crutches. who was gonna take care of me? my mom couldn't lift me to help me stand just to go to the restroom. dad couldn't stay home all day cause we'd go broke. so Jeni said I should stay with her. it just seemed to work out. so I met the kids for the second time and we all 4 sat down and talked about it and it was agreed unanimously that I should stay here with her until I could take care of myself. I was freaked out about not working but had the solace of knowing I would be taken care of.
this was also my opportunity to put my plan in action. I needed daddy to man up and start taking care of mom and not rely on my to do everything. the dichotomy of the relationship with my mother needed to change in order for me to have a healthy relationship with her. it was my time to go out and be happy. to go out and be free and trust that my dad COULD indeed, take care of her.
I had the surgery and Jeni took care of me. it was hard to feel helpless and unable to wipe my own ass or take a shower. she took over the roll of my wife and did what needed to be done. I wouldn't have made it through that surgery without her. she mentally got me through what would have caused a deep depression and a huge downward spiral, the lowest of all lows. the surgery could have been a 'trigger' for me. but Jeni got me through it mentally. I can NOT speak highly enough of the importance of this. this was one of the top 3 MUST HAVES in my 'relationship requirements'. so I got through the rough times. finally got pissed off enough to ditch the crutches and just use the boot. time passed. pain increased. but I got through it. Jeni told me daily how proud of me she was. she was, and always has been, my rock. my safe place to land. then the dr said I could just wear my regular boot. it hurt worse but I fought through it. our relationship grew. we'd meet my mom for lunch. she'd come with me to get stuff from my parents to bring to my new home and visit with my dad and mom and the animals. things were finally getting better!
well, about a month ago mom was at Wal-Mart and 'fainted'. she ended up at the hospital and dozens of tests were done and after about a week dad called me one night and told me that all this time she's been having mini-strokes. I FREAKED OUT!!!! I heard the word STROKE and nearly lost it. I mean LOST IT!!!! I called Mamma (my other mom that I will explain at a later time. she adopted me as a daughter and I adopted her as a mother. so if I say Mamma, that's her. when I say Mom, its my mom). any way, mamma explained the difference between a stroke and mini-strokes. bottom line, if her sugar stays regulated, the strokes might stop altogether. so she went to rehab to learn how to walk with out stumbling like a slightly drunk person. some dexterity returned. then she was released to go home. things have been better.
--Break for drink and food.....well a piece of birthday cake--
so what am I saying here? i'm VERY family oriented. family comes only after god in my life. I wasn't always as close to my mom as I am now. but i'm not close to my sister at all now. we used to be tight as hell.
an incident happened today. my dad is in the 'cow' business selling and breeding show heifers. this is his retirement job and how he's keeping everything afloat with moms medical issues and also due to the fact that i'm an out of work cop desperately looking for a department to take me. he's paying my way right now. this is a big factor in the incident that happened.
so dad called me this morning. I reminded him that I needed enough money to get 2 prescriptions from cvs. he said he was on his way to my bank but he needed me to watch my mom on the Sunday and Monday of Memorial Day weekend so he could go out of town to a show to do cow business. now this is normally not a problem but on that Sunday Jeni and I are taking the kids to a pool party at some GOOD friends' house. there will be all kinds of kids there. I've volunteered to go and be the lifeguard just in case. I didn't even realize it was memorial day weekend until after the conversation with my father. I told him to talk to my sister. that it was her turn to take care of mom. he said she was busy. I said 'dad, this is my family now. i'm not playing here. I have a life here too.' the he said, and this ripped my heart out, he said "I can't believe you're saying this" (referring to the fact I wouldn't watch my mom). I told him I couldn't on sunday so my sister needed to take that day but I would cancel my plans on Monday and watch her. again he said "I can't believe you're saying that. i'll just hire someone to watch her." I got so upset I hung up. how dare he lay a guilt trip on me. how dare he not see all I've done. I just can NOT believe he doesn't get it. he's so much like my sister. I'M not the one who married her. I'M not the parent. I'M the 'child'. I tried to compromise and he just laid a guilt trip on me. I mean it's my sister's turn.
anyway, I've been upset about it all day. right after it happened I wrote a poem. it helped a little. but I can't send it to my sister and my dad won't get it. but I wan't to put it on here just to give you guy(s) a taste of how I felt.
so i'll leave you with this poem:
You sit there
You sit right there
and watch our mother bleed with no care.
She’s bleeding the life out of her body
And you’re not even there to catch the
blood with your hands
While I’m franticly plugging holes and my
sewing skills are shotty.
Why do I always have to mop everything
up?
Why did I put my life on hold to care for
her
While you lived it up?
You know why?
Cause she’s the only ‘blood’ I know.
What?
I don’t get a life?
I don’t get to have the American Dream of
a family and kids too because I’m gay?
I don’t get to be ‘daddy’ cause I’m a
woman?
I don’t get to have a wife?
My ‘family’ doesn’t count now?
It’s a blood thing, right?
Your blood is coursing through your
children’s veins but mine are just pretend?
Well guess what?
Mom’s blood doesn’t course through us because
we were picked special.
We were the chosen.
We were born IN her heart.
Yet you do nothing.
This woman who raised us,
This woman who reared us,
This woman who wiped OUR asses,
This woman who taught us right from wrong,
This woman who taught us how to TREAT
other people,
This woman who gave HER all so we could
be OUR all;
And look closely to who WE are
Here.
Here’s a mirror so you can see better
Tell me what it’s like to help her brush
her teeth.
Tell me what it’s like to clean blood,
To clean vomit up off the floor.
Tell me what it’s like to see your mother’s
exposed body
Too Frail,
Too Weak,
Too Unsteady,
Tell me what it’s like to physically
carry her from the floor,
Tell me what it’s like to wash her hair,
To dry her,
To style her,
To put on that fake façade that she’s
better than she seems.
It’s the antithesis now,
But you don’t wanna see what’s apparent.
You don’t wanna see the roles change from
parent to child, from child to parent.
Or even worse you don’t feel like dealing.
See?
The blood clots in her head mirror the
ones in my heart
From the lack of understanding on your
part
All that she gave
So you can be all that you are, the
freedom to behave and be too busy.
You have a “blood” family;
Whereas mine was chosen,
Just like she chose us.
In case you forgot, she chose you too.
Maybe that’s why
She turns a blind eye
To your lack of compassion.
She loves and forgives you
unconditionally.
Maybe that’s something she just couldn’t
teach me
