I Got This

Things are still going great. Been a bit stir crazy though. But I’m going to a dear friend’s birthday party tomorrow. REALLY looking forward to it. And the big deal is that I get to start my job on Sunday AND I get to work 50 hours! That’s overtime. Awesome!

And on one of my days off I’m going to meet an old friend for drinks. She’ll be shocked at how much weight I’ve gained but it’ll be ok. I’m just fluffy.

Still dealing well with the breakup. Unexpectedly well. I miss those kids like crazy and I’ve even dreamed about the dog. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve still gotta stop by there to get the last of my stuff but it’s gotta be on one of my days off or after I get off a shift around 10. Hopefully I can manage that this week if she’ll work with me. I’m waiting on my new DL to arrive in the mail. My new checks should be in this week too.

I’m still Vapin and not letting shit get to me. I’m happy being with my parents. Dad has more freedom to deal with his cows and I’ve been taking care of my mom. I really think they’re glad I’m here. I’m glad to be here. And when that day comes, they’ll leave me the house. This house. This is home. Almost 33 years ago they adopted me and brought me home to this very room and in the very same place I’m sitting now. This is my sanctuary, my bubble, my zen/happy place. I have a smaller bed this time but it’s SO firm. My back pain is all but gone. Dad wants me to patch and paint the walls but I get to pick the color. I’m even going to get all this popcorn off the ceiling and add some crown molding. Once the house is mine this will be my art/music room so I’ll set it up that way for the future.

Since I moved out the last time our little farm has a new friend, or a couple. We have a Rooster that hasn’t been taught to only crow at sunrise. Boy, he’s got a set of lungs on him. And we have a Hen that lays beautiful large brown eggs. There were more than one but dad says the coyotes got them. I’m trying to talk him into getting a few more chickens. Then I can cook with farm fresh eggs. Speaking of which, I have a new recipe I’m going to make this week. It’s a chocolate cake from scratch. I’m excited. I’d like to perfect it and try to change it to peanut butter so mom can have some.

Anyway, thanks for reading/caring. And know that I’m alright. I got this. God will get me through anything. He has a purpose for everything. He’s still teaching me every day. I just keep my eyes open and wait to learn.


Keep looking up, Cause that’s where it all is.

 

Rising throught the ashes

I've had a BUSY day. couldn't sleep last night cause I can't take my sleep meds. I have a piss test Monday for my new job. I slept about 4 hours, then up for 2 cause the girl child was up then I passed out till 12:30. I packed up everything except 6 things into bags and piled them in the living room. this took a little over an hour. then I got dressed and moved the entire pile from one room to another until we eventually made it to the garage. I loaded everything that would fit into my car. was a lot faster than I thought. couldn't see out my back window. I made it back home and cleaned out my room. mom's been using it for garage sale stuff. dad helped me move a POS tv in here and I got it hooked up to the dish. then dad and I got a mattress set, went to target, went to walmart (which I boycott but it was his money), went to walgreens, dad got us dinner and we came home and ate. then I unloaded my car. dad and I got the mattress' in, I put the sheets on, got cleaned up and at around 10:00 I finally sat down. well, laid down is more like it. my mattress is as firm as they come and my back is SO sore and my knee and heel are aching.
all in all, I have a tiny tv, a small bed (bigger than that couch) and best of all, a 12 Pack of Dr Pepper just for me! tomorrow will be full of organizing, folding, and arranging clothes on my shelves. a lot easier than today. I broke down and smoked about 4 packs of smokes since she split with me, got one pack left but I'm enjoying my Vape again. Out with the negative, In with the positive. Out with the old, In with the new. Out of that shell I was shedding, into the new body awaiting. looking back, I wouldn't have done anything different. I put out there who I was. she wasn't a strong enough woman for me. I've forgiven her. I've let go and let God.
Don't worry folks, I'm doing great! I held my tears back all day until I hugged the boy. I quickly recovered so he wouldn't see it. but after I laid out a t shirt i'd been wearing for 2 days in the dog bed and I was ready to go, I knelt down to Bellabear, held her head in my hands, looked her in the eyes and told her that I loved her, that I'd see her in heaven, and to take care of the kids. I about broke down there. But I made it. Time for a change. Change is good.
Keep Looking Up, Cause That's Where It All Is!

Blindsided by the best. I'm single but as of this moment, i got this

so I couldn't sleep last night. I had something gnawing at me. so when the Ex came in and kissed me goodnight I could feel a difference. I had signs leading up to today for weeks now but I guess I was just trying so hard to come out of the depression that I didn't wanna see.
I got a badass job that makes decent money. I just filled out the paperwork yesterday and met with the boss and my trainer. had a good time. filled out hundreds of pages where-in I wrote my address at least a dozen times. I came home and I was stoked! I had a huge headache when I got home and she wouldn't let me lay on her. I tried to hold her hand and after 30 seconds she "adjusted" so I couldn't hold her hand. I leaned over to kiss her and something felt different. I told her I loved her and adored her and that I missed her. see? this was the second time i'd said I missed her and BAM! no response. so I wrote her this long ass love note saying that I finally feel like myself and I can't wait to continue down this path of life with her and "our" kids. I got the boy up for school, made their breakfast, and waited till they got off to school. I left the love note on the donut box where she could see it. when she got back I told her about it. she asked if she could read it outside. I waited for her to come back in. she didn't. I went out there and that's when it happed. it was all so fast. she talked to my "mamma" cause I thought that might help. it did. it helped her decide. I asked her if she wanted to break up with me.
She said Yes.



so here's where I gasp for breath and keep my feet under me. called pops and he's getting me a bed and a tv. told mom and she's ready and waiting. called back "mamma" myself and let her know where my head's at. so i'm currently ok. as of 11:19 AM I am ok. I've slept 3 hours in the past 48 hours. I've taken my 'calm down meds'. I think i'm gonna be ok. oh, and i'm wearing my Kidd Kraddick shirt that the ex shrunk in the dryer.

life as I know it is about to change again. sit down. shut up. hold on. this is gonna be one hell of a ride.

So the last entry was pretty bad. I was REALLY pissed and in a downward spiral. While I did mean some of the things I said, I shouldn’t have put it out there that way. I am still greatly upset with life but I’m dealing with it much better.
My LE license is still active but I fear that I’m now permanently labeled a headcase. That’s something I can’t fix. During the last ass ripping of an oral board the chief asked me to participate in ‘ride alongs’ if I wasn’t hired. But I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s even worth it. I still feel like that part if me is dead. The Mrs., who has forgiven me (I hope), says it’s a positive thing that I still have my license. I don’t look at it that way. I’m just not sure which way to go.
So at 33 I’m having to start all over and find a new “career”. How can I carry that pride of helping the public the way I did? It was my passion. And I truly feel it was my last hope. I’ve applied to another police gig but…..I don’t see it going anywhere.
I had one interview last week. A head hunter job. I don’t feel it’s for me nor a new career. So that’s where I am right now. Lost as ever. Grasping at straws. Just breathing and blinking and putting out as many resumes as I can so hopefully I’ll get a job I’ll at least ENJOY enough not to be miserable. I’m still not out of the woods of this spiral but I’m trying to fake it. Wish I was better at it. Then I could use that as a career and become an actor. Oh well.